i love this photograph above. she looks the way i feel most of the time inside. or the way i feel myself reflected within when i encounter others. 

i recently visited home and my mother, she grabs a chunk of my arm and says i've gained weight. then she proceeds to call me the day after i leave new york to tell me to lose weight, eat earlier, etc. and she calls me again later to stop wearing loose clothing because it encourages the weight gain. i think my size is normal for most girls but for a korean girl, it may not be acceptable.

i would like to tone up and get back my high school body. but i was a tad anorexic in high school, i believe, and broke a femur bone due to my overall weakness. but it is one of the last times i felt a high from the control i had over myself, my life. i have that control in other ways now but i'd like to have it over my body. i'd like to be able to wear all those dresses stored in my closet for the 'day i lose the extra weight.."

we're flying to toulouse in november and january. he has business there and i just want to leave the u.s. i've never truly felt like an american, more like someone in between nations and allegiances. a bit like a gypsy, but more like someone lost. and the more u.s. cities i visit, the more i feel i don't have a true home.